Hi Everyone. Sorry not to have written for a while but have been a bit lost.
The past few years, have left me wanting and I need to take time out to get a better perspective and recover.
When we moved to beautiful West Wales, back in 2010, a short time after I DID TELL I DID was at Number one in the bestsellers and I met all of you, I had such high hopes for us all. My story became a bestseller across the world and my second book was on its way. NOBODY TOLD ME was produced but not as soon as I wanted.
In 2012 as you know I was the victim of a nasty cruel hoax by Jade Louise Wood, that lasted 6 months and was 24/7 for me. I was so entrenched in the ‘drama’ of what I believed was happening to her, my mind played tricks on me and all the fear I had experienced as a child, was back. I couldn’t tell anyone whilst it was ‘happening’ and so felt as I did as a child, alone.
The years following after she was charged and convicted, things became a bit better but then the nasties began courtesy of family. I won’t go over them but will again emphasise how emotional bullying and hurt can damage you as a person. To have my own daughter telling such evil lies and spreading these lies to family I don’t have access to, was unbearable. Lots was said, on here and in emails that was and is unforgivable. It caused my daughter to block me and shut me out of her life. That hurt and still does. But not satisfied with that they, Anne and Melissa, rang my publisher with lies and saying that I had identified myself on social media, therefore identifying them. It was, as you know, they who did this themselves.
Sometimes it is easy to write on here things that could hurt people. With a screen between you, not in a personal way. For liars It is easy to do that. But to actually ring and talk to a person and tell those lies takes a very special kind of liar. The book was taken off the market because my daughter threatened the publisher with litigation, every publishers fear. But I found another publisher and I DID TELL I DID is still out there.
Most of you know all of this so I won’t elaborate.
Last year was a nightmare, just as 2012 had been, for the reasons above . Then Daniel found he had cancer and our lives were turned on their heads. The next few months found us living in fear. Lots of tests, lots of waiting for results, lots and lots of scared.
As the wife of a cancer sufferer, of Prostate cancer, I was affected as we all are, but in a different way. I tried to be there for him. I was there for him but it was hard. I missed my family , missed having the ability to pick up the phone and talk to my eldest daughter. Was still fighting for my name on social media but that took a back seat. Daniel being ill was far more important that than that. I expereinced every emotions some I had never expereienced before. Anger, sad, fear, frustration and lonliness were just the tip.He has since had surgery and the results are good and hopefully he will stay cancer free.
As a child as you know, the main emotion I had was fear. Life scared me. I was living in a world of scary and was put back there in 2012 and again last year. I tried to be strong but feel I have failed. I don’t feel strong. I have to remind myself that I will be okay. I don’t know who I am anymore and need to find Cassie the strong woman.
The only positive of these past few months is that I have seen Jack. He has been very ill and so has my brother Tom. Tom has incurable lung cancer and has only months to live. Melissa has treated her uncle with contempt and has betrayed his trust in her, in a way I find despicable. He said he trusted her because she was my daughter and he always knew he could trust me. Well, like mother like daughter is sadly not true here in any sense, I am ashamed to say. Although Daniel had not quite recovered and I was unwell, we went see them both a few weeks ago. To hold my brother,as frail as he is ,was heartbreaking. To hug Jack was both sad and happy at the same time.
As a health professional I should have realised that I was becoming depressed. ‘Physician heal thyself ‘ doesn’t work as I have said before. I am not sleeping, when I do drift off for few minutes,I have recurring nightmares. Some days I can’t speak without crying after 30 odd years of hardly any tears. Can’t eat properly and losing interest in most things. I would have recognized these signs in a client but didn’t or wouldn’t in myself. Am I ashamed of feeling this way? No. The depression is reactive, has a reasons or reasons so I will be able to cope with it. I have always told other not to be ashamed of being ill and that is where I find myself today.
On top of all of this there has been so much in the news about CSA that I have had to stop reading or listening to it. I tried to watch the Three Girls on TV but found it too hard, brought up to much for me. I hope other victims felt able to turn the TV over and not watch. At times like this we need to protect ourselves.
So why the blog today? Because I am taking steps to find Cassie.Time for action I think. I am working on myself and will soon be taking further steps to talk to someone about my feelings etc. I have another issue close to home that I can’t disclose on here and that has pushed me over the edge of ‘not doing anything’ about my own feelings. Everything over the past 5 years, has taken its toll on me and my health and I need to do something radical. We are also thinking of moving, either back to Hampshire or somewhere else. I know that won’t make ‘things better’ but it may help stop the ‘association’ that our lovely home currently brings me. Not running away, but downsizing and making a fresh start. But not yet. First I have to work on myself and continue to be here for Daniel and our animals and family.
So please wish me luck, look after yourselves and who knows, I will be back to writing very soon.
Thankyou for reading x