A Letter to an Abuser, from One who Knows You.

Hello.

You don’t know me but I know you. Too well. You may have just embarked on this depraved journey or may have traveled it for many years, causing pain, damage and fear. Not knowing those you hurt, not acknowledging them as people, children, not giving them a second thought. But I know you.

How’s life down there, in your ugly mind, your seemingly okay life?Do I cross your mind? If I do, does that evil smile touch your lips waiting for the next victim in anticipation? Do you still tremble with the excitement of what you do? Of what you have done? While I still tremble with fear in memory? Are you still acting out your fantasies, fulfilling your wicked ‘needs’ of self gratification? Or have you stopped now? Were you caught and punished? Not that any punishment would fit your evil crimes. If I do cross your mind, what are you thinking? How do you feel?

I can’t answer any of those questions but just want to tell you, how my ‘knowing’ you affected me and my whole life. 

Are you ready? Are you sitting down, as what follows is not easy to write and hopefully, for you, not easy to read.

I will tell you a little of how your ‘knowing me’ affected me.

Firstly you stole things from me, things I could never experience because of your wicked acts of theft.

You stole my innocence, my childhood in the worst way possible. The words ‘I love you’, for me, meant pain and fear. Love was something horrible, the acts you committed in it’s name, against me.

I never experienced my ‘first kiss’. How could I, when memories of your nasty,cruel painful bruising of your lips on my lips, my face, would always rear their ugly head. I felt dirty and ashamed and full of guilt. But one of the strongest legacies you gave me was fear and that has never left me.I still suffer symptoms of trauma, loud bangs, can leave me shaking. Silence is not golden for me, it always seemed to be a prelude to abuse, your abuse on me.  Even as a young woman, a young mum, you were still affecting me and how I felt. I was terrified to leave my daughters alone with a man, any man. So scared that they would be harmed in the way I was. Yes, even my own ‘Dad’. My own partner. You see, your actions, your wickedness made it impossible for me to trust.I hope this makes you proud.That is just a little of how my ‘knowing you’ has affected me.But there is more to follow.

Now; you knowing me.

How is life down there in the filthy pit that you must live in?

Do you jump at unexpected sounds?

Are you afraid of being on your own?

Does the smell of whiskey turn your stomach?

Do you suffer ‘day mares’ ‘night mares’.Panic attacks,?

Do you have an inability to trust?

Is sex a dirty word to you?

Does the word ‘love’ scare you?

I doubt any of these affect you do they?

Does your body bear physical scars of the times you hurt me?

No.

After all the years lived since, do you remember every single touch of yours on my body, every pain, every stifled cry I tried to let out?

No of course not. But I do, have done since the first time you displayed your’ affection’ to me. Since you ‘loved’ me in your selfish terrifying way.

Have relationships failed because ‘ after ‘knowing me’, you could not ‘feel’ the way you should? Of course they haven’t.

Did you need medication, since it all began, to survive the pain and fear experienced during the abuse?No.

But I did. 25 years on GP prescribed medication, just to cope, to stay alive. To try and block out, the oh so many attacks, by you, on my tiny body. Trying to be ‘normal, whatever that meant.

Do you still inflict such pain and fear on innocents? Do you still lie, deceive and pretend to be the pillar of society, a good person? I expect you do.Or maybe, just maybe you have been found out. Your disguise ripped away and those who you hurt, have seen a little justice. I hope so.

You often ‘get away’ with  your evil, because to others, you are a respectable person. A pillar of society. A man of the church. A youth leader. A school teacher. A sports coach. Or…..you are a loving family member, showing affection to a vulnerable innocent child, using your position in that family, to fulfill your evil wants, using the trust bestowed on you to abuse that trust… …to abuse me. 

I hope people now accept that you are not the ‘weirdo’ in the rain coat. The loner. The recluse. No, you are the devious actor, in the role of caring, loving, when in fact you are doing the exact opposite and more.

When you are in your final years, will you be sorry for everything you have done? 

For the childhoods you stole?

For the damage you inflicted, life long damage on innocent children?

Will you suddenly begin to pray as I prayed all of my early life, for help from whoever you believe in? Will you pray for forgiveness? 

Will you then have the fear, the nightmares, the panic attacks? Oh I hope so.

You have possibly been untouched by any of your evil deeds. But I haven’t. Oh no.

I was always told as a child to forgive. That forgiveness is the only way for peace. Well I don’t forgive you. I don’t and won’t forgive, that you stole so much from me and left me with sometimes unbearable pain in memory. Me, that child you violated, will never forgive you, even now. I don’t believe it would bring me peace, I would feel as though I had betrayed her, my younger self. So no, I don’t forgive you but you have not won!

So if this letter touches a nerve, if I am writing to you, someone already an abuser or someone contemplating such an evil way of life, think on!

I couldn’t tell. You made me too frightened to tell back then.

I couldn’t stop you, I was a child, you were an adult and much stronger than me.

But:

I grew up and those you are hurting will grow up and they will tell. I told. Then you will pay. I can’t hope Karma will ensue because nothing can make right what you have done but beware, your sins will find you out. I know they will.

I am no longer your plaything, your victim. I survived you. And in spite of everything you put me through and left me with, I can love, I can enjoy and I can live my life to the full. 

Can you?

From one who knows you.

 

 

Where I Have Been… and Where I am Going

Hi Everyone. Sorry not to have written for a while but have been a bit lost.

The past few years, have left me wanting and I need to take time out to get a better perspective and recover.

When we moved to beautiful West Wales, back in 2010, a short time after I DID TELL I DID was at Number one in the bestsellers and I met all of you, I had such high hopes for us all. My story became a bestseller across the world and my second book was on its way. NOBODY TOLD ME was produced but not as soon as I wanted.

In 2012 as you know I was the victim of a nasty cruel hoax by Jade Louise Wood, that lasted 6 months and was 24/7 for me. I was so entrenched in the ‘drama’ of what I believed was happening to her, my mind played tricks on me and all the fear I had experienced as a child, was back. I couldn’t tell anyone whilst it was ‘happening’ and so felt as I did as a child, alone.

The years following after she was charged and convicted, things became a bit better but then the nasties began courtesy of family. I won’t go over them but will again emphasise how emotional bullying and hurt can damage you as a person. To have my own daughter telling such evil lies and spreading these lies to family I don’t have access to, was unbearable. Lots was said, on here and in emails that was and is unforgivable. It caused my daughter to block me and shut me out of her life. That hurt and still does. But not satisfied with that they, Anne and Melissa, rang my publisher with lies and saying that I had identified myself on social media, therefore identifying them. It was, as you know, they who did this themselves.

Sometimes it is easy to write on here things that could hurt people. With a screen between you, not in a personal way. For liars It is easy to do that. But to actually ring and talk to a person and tell those lies takes a very special kind of liar. The book was taken off the market because my daughter threatened the publisher with litigation, every publishers fear. But I found another publisher and I DID TELL I DID is still out there.

Most of you know all of this so I won’t elaborate.

Last year was a nightmare, just as 2012 had been, for the reasons above . Then Daniel found he had cancer and our lives were turned on their heads. The next few months found us living in fear. Lots of tests, lots of waiting for results, lots and lots of scared.

As the wife of a cancer sufferer, of Prostate cancer, I was affected as we all are, but in a different way. I tried to be there for him. I was there for him  but it was hard. I missed my family , missed having the ability to pick up the phone and talk to my eldest daughter. Was still fighting for my name on social media but that took a back seat. Daniel being ill was far more important that than that. I expereinced every emotions some I had never expereienced before. Anger, sad, fear, frustration and lonliness were just the tip.He has since had surgery and the results are good and hopefully he will stay cancer free.

As a child as you know, the main emotion I had was fear. Life scared me. I was living in a world of scary and was put back there in 2012 and again last year. I tried to be strong but feel I have failed. I don’t feel strong. I have to remind myself that I will be okay. I don’t know who I am anymore and need to find Cassie the strong woman.

The only positive of these past few months is that I have seen Jack. He has been very ill and so has my brother Tom. Tom has incurable lung cancer and has only months to live. Melissa has treated her uncle with contempt and has betrayed his trust in her, in a way I find despicable. He said he trusted her because she was my daughter and he always knew he could trust me. Well, like mother like daughter is sadly not true here in any sense, I am ashamed to say.  Although Daniel had not quite recovered and I was unwell, we went see them both a few weeks ago. To hold my brother,as frail as he is ,was heartbreaking. To hug Jack was both sad and happy at the same time.

As a health professional I should have realised that I was becoming depressed. ‘Physician heal thyself ‘ doesn’t work as I have said before. I am not sleeping, when I do drift off for few minutes,I have recurring nightmares. Some days I can’t speak without crying after 30 odd years of hardly any tears. Can’t eat properly and losing interest in most things. I would have recognized these signs in a client but didn’t or wouldn’t in myself. Am I ashamed of feeling this way? No. The depression is reactive, has a reasons or reasons so I will be able to cope with it. I have always told other  not to be ashamed of being ill and that is where I find myself today.

On top of all of this there has been so much in the news about CSA that I have had to stop reading or listening to it. I tried to watch the Three Girls on TV but found it too hard, brought up to much for me. I hope other victims felt able to turn the TV over and not watch. At times like this we need to protect ourselves.

So why the blog today? Because I am taking steps to find Cassie.Time for action I think. I am working on myself and will soon be taking further steps to talk to someone about my feelings etc. I have another issue close to home that I can’t disclose on here and that has pushed me over the edge of ‘not doing anything’ about my own feelings. Everything over the past 5 years, has taken its toll on me and my health and I need to do something radical. We are also thinking of moving, either back to Hampshire or somewhere else. I know that won’t make ‘things better’ but it may help stop the ‘association’ that our lovely home currently brings me. Not running away, but downsizing and making a fresh start. But not yet. First I have to work on myself and continue to be here for Daniel and our animals and family.

So please wish me luck, look after yourselves and who knows, I will be back to writing very soon.

Thankyou for reading x

 

Another Mother’s Day …. and I’m Still Here.

Some of you will remember the horrible time I was subjected to on social media, last Mother’s day courtesy of my eldest daughter and youngest sister. Melissa and Anne respectively. The comments made on my social media, after my message to Mums everywhere, who couldn’t be with their children on Mothers day, were horrible and cruel. But that was just the beginning. Not satisfied with hurting me in such a nasty way, they then contacted my publisher with lies, that the publisher knew were lies, and tried hard to have my book I DID TELL I DID off the market. The publisher being afraid of litigation as these two women threatened to take it to the law, cancelled my publishing contract and took the book down.For those who don’t know, this was nothing about the content of the book, it had been out for 7 years at that time and was a bestseller. All the family had a copy, except Anne but she had read or seen Tom’s copy when it was published. No this was a private vendetta, to hurt me and ruin my reputation. It went on way past last March, almost ruining Lucy’s wedding and making me very ill. But I didn’t let it beat me. I couldn’t.I found a publisher who gave I DID TELL a whole new look, wrote the reason for the 2nd edition inside of the book and I DID TELL is back where it belongs .On sale and helping other victims of CSA.

These past three years have been the worst of my entire adult life. First the Jade Wood saga, that left me very low and back where I was, emotionally as a child. Just getting over that and looking forward to a new addition to our family, the little girl Melisssa  was adopting, a new grand daughter , Melissa shut me out of her life. Family say it was because I had done my job, helped her with the adoption formalities and she didn’t need me anymore. But I think it has more to do with her aunt Anne having surfaced after 40 years, so I was discarded. She is sadly, more like her aunt and the woman they called my mother, than is good. I thought life had tested me enough but no. Lucy had a miscarriage and then last year, just as I was trying hard to ignore the nasties and recover, Daniel was diagnosed with cancer. So I would have liked to write this blog as a success, a happy blog but life is still very hard. The other worry in my life is Jack. He is in rehabilitation, having been stuck by a rare virus and is learning to walk all over again. But today, he managed to ring me, and say Happy Mother’s day Mum’. A really lovely surprise.  I will hold on to that. A really good ‘in-between’. So life has been a bit hard and my health has also taken a turn that is being investigated. Hence why I am not on here very much.

Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself, things are hard for everyone at times, but it just seems sometimes, that we become overwhelmed by circumstances and things that Life throws at us.

So one year on and as the title says, in spite of numerous attempts to bring me down, I am still here. Still helping other CSA victims as much as I can but not currently writing very much. I have begun a self help book for victims and another book, in my own name for cancer sufferers. So trying to do a little bit.

I am sorry for all the messages and birthdays I have missed, need a bit of normality back but that seems an awful long way off.

I just want to Thank you all for supporting me, back last year and since and for all your emails and messages that I haven’t had time to reply to. Hopefully I will very soon.

Mother’s day is always hard for me, always has been. Losing Jack it was always going to be a difficult day but the girls, when small always tried their best to comfort me. I have had 4 babies, two daughter s and two sons. Melissa has shut me out of her life so today is hard and I just hope she is having a good Mother’s day with her children, all of them. Lucy came round and spoilt me, Jack called me, so I am very lucky. But I still think about my baby son , born sleeping all those years ago, with sadness and regret.

I hope you all had a good day. Enjoy your children, they grow up way too fast. For those who lost children, for whatever reason, I send you love. For those who are grieving their mums, I send you hugs. I don’t do that but grieve my besties’s mum on days like today.

Be back soon. Thanks for reading xx

 

To The Abusers Of Those Who Support Us, The Abused.

I would usually begin a letter with a name but there are too many on social media that this letter applies to. I can’t start with ‘Dear’ because I don’t hold them dear. I hold them in contempt.

I haven’t been on here for a few months, having  personal problems, my husband has cancer, my brother has cancer and my son is very ill. I also have developed some kind of artery condition that may need surgery.So forgive me for my absence. I have spent a little time today catching up with events on social media and am horrified at the abuse, yes I use the word liberally, given to those on here who support victims and survivors of CSA. Me being one of them.

Some of you will know my feelings re a certain barrister Ms Hewson, I have written in earlier blogs so won’t repeat myself. I have also said before how painful  it is for a victim to come forward and to tell their story. Those who are in the public eye, especially Andy Woodward and other sportsmen, have the added onslaught of newspapers and journals infringing on their privacy. None of the people coming forward, none of those having suffered the worst, most  evil of crimes against children, found it easy. I know.

When I wrote my own story I DID TELL I DID I had the support of my daughters Melissa and Lucy and the support of my husband Daniel. I had told every member of my family about the book and everyone was okay with it. My abuser’s sons particularly.Yes the details in the story of my childhood upset some of them, most, including my brother Tom, felt guilty of not doing anything. How could he when he had no idea of what had happened to me. I had huge support from readers and my publisher who believed my story and had faith in me to publish it. The rest is history.

But I divert. When a victim comes forward to tell of their CSA they are scared, terrified. Not only of actually telling but of being believed. Having to go through all the horrific details of every incident of abuse they suffered, if the case is to go to court. All they really want is to tell. To be listened to, to be heard and believed. When this happens, it is some kind of comfort and release. Sometimes they have to re live their past over and over again, in great detail. Every incident painful beyond words.The last thing they want is not to be listed to , or heard and most of all not believed.Of ocurse they don’t want to revisit the horrors but have to if they want the abuser punished. For some, the person who violated them maybe dead, but for the victim it can be cathartic to at last tell it as it was. believe me this is never done lightly and is usually told in the language the incidents are remembered, as a child. They are the victims here and need to be believed.

Yes there are a few who make the whole thing up. I know from personal experience. Back in 2012, I was the victim of a nasty cruel hoax. Some of you may remember. A young girl having read my book, contacted me saying she as in danger, being beaten and abused and before I knew it I was into the worst 6 months of my adult life. Depravity, beatings, trafficking, rape, babies being murdered etc. Jade Louse Wood had taken me in, because I never believed anyone would make such stuff up. I believed her.That anyone would have pretended ,in such great detail, with such explicitly, this whole horrid wicked saga was beyond me. But she did. I have previously written about this. People such as her belittle genuine victims and make it difficult for some, to believe the truth when told. 

But now, having read some of the past few weeks tweets,the worst thing in my mind, is the abuse that is being directed at those of us, yes US, who are supporting and trying to help victims of abuse. Trying hard on social media to highlight the dangers some children are in. Those who fight with every ounce of their being, CSA and trafficking. We, me on here and in my own name, will always highlight where the dangers are. We will continue the fight to have abusers brought to justice. We will fight for longer harsher sentences for those found guilty of harming our children in the worst possible manner. We will try to educate our children on body safety and give them a safe place to tell. What we won’t do  is back down! Whatever you throw at us, whatever you do. No matter how you do it, we will continue this fight. CSA has always happened. Will always happen. But people who come forward and tell their stories, may just stop other would be abusers in their tracks. Maybe they will think twice because no-one is safe now. We will all tell in time.

I don’t believe CSA is getting worse, I believe it is just becoming known. Uncovered and we need to keep doing this. Some of the high profile cases get great publicity,not easy for a victim, but some of us, like me, are children who maybe being abused every day, in their own homes. I like to think that the abusers within the family circle, are now quaking in their boots. Afraid that their victims might now be able to tell. I also hope family who abuse and family who know about abuse at home, if caught, receive long sentences. Maybe, just maybe, then these evil excuses for human beings might think twice before violating our children. If more people are found guilty If more people come forward, maybe then you out there who attack us on social Media for defending the rights of a child to have a normal, abuse free childhood, will eat your words. I would never expect an apology that I know none of those attacked would ever get.

So whoever you are, and you know who you are. Threatening those who support the fight. Rubbishing stories of abuse from genuine victims. Making light of this evil crime. Blaming the victim for what happened to them. Think on. We will not be stopped.

For those in my team, on the side of  truth and good, I apologise for the lack of strength in this blog.This is not as strong as I would like to write, but not much personal fight left in me today. The health of my family and myself,  the past three years of bullying from my eldest daughter Melissa and my youngest sister Anne, have taken their toll.  But I will bounce back, I always do. I will continue to do as much as I can, here and in my own name on social media to help CSA victims and supporters.  Keep the fight going please.

Thank you for reading. Cassie is back. x

I Said Goodbye to 2016 but boy was not ready for Now!

Hi everyone, so sorry not to have blogged for a while. Life has been tumultuous to say the least!

This week is a blog of 2 halves.

When last year ended most of us were glad and looked forward to a new and better year. Well my year has not started well at all. As some of you know, Daniel has Prostate cancer and is having surgery to remove it. I blog my journey in my own name and those who know it, can read it there. The Robotic operation is this Thursday and we are going to Cardiff as that is the only hospital in Wales where this surgery is performed. It will take around 5 hours and I will wait, with Lucy, at the hospital. Nerve wracking I know. His recovery, as long as they can remove it all will take around 6 weeks. We have put plans into place for the ponies and other work that is usually his, stopping him from doing anything is not a task I look forward to .I am terrified and angry that the past few years have been stolen from us as a family, firstly by Jade Wood and then by the horrid ‘family’ stuff.

I have waned between being terrified, angry, helpless and okay for weeks. He is my rock, my life and the thought of anything going wrong is unbearable, so I won’t go there.

Some of you will know that last year, the nasties from my daughter Melissa and sister Anne, saw me having to find another publisher for I DID TELL I DID,(amongst other evil things) which I did and the book is still selling. It  saw my reputation, name and character assassinated by these ‘family’ all because of my need to be honest. Nothing to do with the books contents, just a private cruel vendetta against me for their own reasons. I struggled through this but had huge support from social media. This rendered me lower than at any point in my adult life.During this time and the following months, Melissa befriended Tom my brother, her uncle,someone whom she had had nothing to do with for around 30 years. She and Anne maligned me, told lies about me and made up horrendous stories to anyone who would listen. I was not in a position to challenge any of this as I live 8 hours away from any of the people involved, because I couldn’t tell the truth of what had happened, their lies were believed. They did what the woman they called my mother did often to me, alienated the rest of my family with their lies. I tried to tell Tom that they were not to be trusted but he trusted them. I won’t go into the whole sordid story of which I am ashamed of my daughter but she has betrayed him in a way that is unforgivable. Tom has been told he is terminally ill and only has a few months left and this has broken my heart. He needs Melissa to honour an agreement made between them. Melissa and Ann have let him down in  a way not even an enemy would find easy to do. I have spoken with my brother at great length about this as he is so hurt and worried at a time he doesn’t need it.He said he trusted Melissa because she was my daughter and he knew he could trust me. But it is not a case of ‘like mother like daughter’. She is nothing like me, some might say that is a good thing, but my honesty is something I thought I had instilled on both  my daughters. It seems I failed.I felt so guilty, so ashamed. He knows I would never hurt him, betray him or let him down, she did and he has been hurt beyond belief.

If there is a ‘good’ that has come out of this it is this. My ‘family’, their friends, including Rosie Web who wrote that malicious blog about me, now know who the liar is, who the ‘nasty is’. Maybe, just maybe they are now sorry for causing me all the pain caused.

I have am only telling you this because I have had a serious heart scare. I was rushed to A&E twice in the past 2 weeks and they have found I have a blocked artery to my brain, 80% blocked and need to have a stent inserted. Apparently, and I don’t know how true it is but stress can affect your blood flow and your arteries and I have had my share of that of late! No sympathy wanted, just explaining why I have not been on here.

But I am back now!

This second part of my blog is the real season I am back.

There has been, rightly, so much publicity, yet again about organized CSA. Footballers, sportsmen of all kinds, politicians, barristers etc. I am hoping that making everything public will encourage children to tell someone as soon as this happens to them. To have the courage to know that it is right and safe to tell, no matter what the abuser tells them.

I also hope, that men who have abused previously in their lives and felt safe, don’t feel safe any longer. I hope they are quaking in their boots dreading that knock on their front door. I also hope, that now we have such good DNA evidence, that can track back for years, that maybe, just maybe, offenders will think twice before hurting innocent children, destroying their present and damaging the futures and that our kids can grow up in their innocence and enjoy their childhoods.

I am more than pleased that at last CSA is being taken seriously, as it is the most serious of crimes against children. I am sure now, that every child or adult who has come forward will receive the help they need to mend their broken lives.

But.

There will always be that one child. The child who is afraid, has no one to turn to. The one who behind the closed doors of their own homes, are suffering horrendous abuse by someone  who is trusted within their family. A dad, a mum, a step parent or like me, an uncle. These are the children who now need our help.

If we suspect anything is wrong in a home. If we are concerned about the behavior of a child at school, in your home, in a neighbour’s home, if we think something is not quite right, please tell someone. Yes you may be wrong and look a bit silly but you may be right and prevent a child’s life now, from being painful and save them from a  future of the legacies that CSA can bring.

Please think on.

I am glad to be back, fighting yet another battle, this time for Daniel but will always still be fighting for the victims and survivors of CSA

Thanks for reading x

The Year I want to forget. 2016

It’s a long time since I wrote and I hope this blog will explain why.

So many times I have read these past few weeks, how people are  glad to see the back of 2016.I know I am. The world seems a cruel heartless place. War and famine, people running away from their birth place, sometimes to things even worse. Children being trafficked, abused, killed. Families torn apart by lies and deceit, like my own. The picture above resonates with me so much.

When I wrote my book I DID TELL I DID, little did I know the huge horrific can of worms, telling stories like mine would open. In the past 7 years since it’s release, we have seen scandal after scandal, involving politicians, people of the church,celebrities, musicians and now football coaches etc. Where will it end? Well sadly, I don’t think it ever will. Child Sexual Abuse has happened forever and will, I hate to say, always happen.

The positives about the newspaper coverage of children harmed by people in the public eye, is that I hope, those who think about abusing our children, might, just might, think again. Some of these crimes that are coming to light are years and years old. Historical abuse can go back decades. I hope this makes would be abusers scared , too scared to take the chance that one day, their victims might speak out. It will show that no one is safe. I hope those who harmed children, however long ago, are shaking in their boots right now!The other positive in all of this, is that people like Andy Woodward, who has formed a support group,’ Off side Trust’, will have the means to make sure people who need to change things in this case, in football, will do just that. The future young players, I hope can train in safety.

Where I am not sure all this publicity will help, is for those being abused by family members or family friends, as in my own case. I am hoping, that if a child who is now being harmed in this way, can gain confidence and strength in reading about these cases or reading books like mine, sadly there are many out now, many lives lost to abuse, and again, be strong enough to tell someone and find help. But I think these children are a group that are being given the least publicity and this has to change.We need to educate our children, to say no.  Give them a place they know they will be heard and listened to, believed and made safe. Somewhere or someone who will stop them from being hurt. If we start within our families, then perhaps our children will be safer.

So 2016 has been a revelation and I hope a wake up call to those who did not believe the scale of CSA in our communities.

On  a personal level, last year began with me having been ridiculed, abused and maligned on social media by those who call them self family. This continued and came to a nasty climax in the Spring with Mother’s day Messages from Melissa that were hurtful, untrue and malicious. Not satisfied with that, she and her aunt endeavoured to ruin my writing career and lied to my publisher resulting in my book being taken off the market and my contract cancelled. They must have been laughing to see the damage they were doing to me and my family. Well I had the last laugh as I had the book republished , with  a new cover and it is still selling. One to me I think!

The only good in the year was Lucy’s wedding. She looked beautiful and it was a lovely day. A sunshine in the storms.

The middle part of the year brought more ‘family ‘ stuff with my niece spreading lies and influencing her father, Tom my brother, to stop contact with me. This did not work for more than a couple of days. Another one to me but too important to jest about. A few days ago I found out that he also is very poorly. Living so far away is awful, I can’t get to him but I do know he is well looked after. It would just be good to see him and talk. But that has to wait now until Daniel is okay. Then we will visit and see ‘family’ back where I used to call home.

As for my family here, life has been very hard. I was already very low after all the nasties from Anne and Melissa and then we had the news that Daniel has cancer. To say I was devastated is an understatement but we are hopeful he will have a good recovery after surgery. As long as it hasn’t spread. This is scheduled for this month or next. This was found in August 2016 to cap off the worst year to date.

I also have had a health scare and am waiting for a scan. Don’t have time for this so am trying to put it out of my mind. We are hoping that the stress of this year has caused my own illness and that in time, it will right itself, if nothing shows on the scan. I pray it is clear.

So no writing as such although another book is half way finished and perhaps while Daniel is in recovery, I might finish it.

So 2016 was a horrible, ‘family stuff’ hurt beyond belief. So I hope you forgive me in rejoicing that it is finally over. If families can treat each other like mine do, no wonder the rest of the world can commit the atrocities they do, to people they don’t even know. Unless we learn to love those who care about us, protect those we love and vice versa, this world stands no chance of better years.

I hope I am wrong. With that thought I wish you all a Happy 2017. x

 

 

Empathy, Peace and Compassion Should Begin at Home.

I haven’t been on here for a week as I have been unwell but so much has happened, for me and for the entire world as you will all know. For me, I lost a much loved pet last Sunday, without warning and it broke my heart. She was a little black cat who lived with us and her brother for 14 years. I feel privileged to have had her in my life. She was feisty, strong, beautiful and kind. She is already much missed.

We are still waiting to see the Consultant and team for Daniel’s treatment for the cancer recently diagnosed. He is still very well and healthy and no one would know there was anything wrong. The blood test, done as routine, says differently. We see the team on 9th December and will know the way forward. Scary and worrying but nothing we can do but wait.

I am recovering now from a nasty illness that took me by surprise and because I was already very low, hit me hard. But on the way back now thanks goodness.

My next book is back on the ‘in process’ mode and I think I may have a publisher. So watch this space. Everything has been on hold for a long while now and time I got back on board the bus so to speak. I DID TELL and NOBODY TOLD ME have excellent reviews and are still selling, thank you .

Yesterday was my birthday, a day that as a child, I dreaded every year. Those of you who have read I DID TELL I DID will understand why. When my children were growing up and until 2013, Melissa and Lucy made a great fuss of me at this time. Lucy still does but the absence of hearing from Melissa, even though she has hurt me beyond words, still hurts. I had lots of card, emails, messages on here in my author name and my own name and Thankyou all for those. I had a lovely day and had a ‘Happy Birthday message’ from Jack and that meant a lot.

But huge things changed for the whole world this week. The unimaginable happened and Donald Trump became USA president elect. Unbelievable, laughable but scary. In my own life I have seen how those who are the worst kind of people, can influence those who are gullible, vulnerable and open to believe anything. My youngest sister Anne, the evil in my family has told such wicked lies and influenced the gullible in my family and alienated me from them.People I don’t know and who have never met me or even heard of me, have been told lies about things that haven’t happened and I have come out the nasty in it all. Similarities to what has been happening in the world. In my view Mr Trump is a nasty, evil force to be reckoned with and it seems the American people who voted for him have been brainwashed into doing such a thing. The morning after the event, I didn’t read anything positive about him. I didn’t see anyone of Social media pleased that he had succeeded but many who were scared for America and like me, scared for our world.

This week I have read, as the ‘norm’ in the news of horrors and atrocities all over the world, people against people, infighting in countries, one part of a society against the other part, people of one creed against others. Everywhere I read, look or hear, people are hurting each other without thinking twice. It made me ask the question why? Why does it seem to be getting worse? Then I remember something my Nan said to me when I was small, ‘love begins at home. We never hurt family. We should never hurt friends, that way, we will find it hard to hurt others’ .I used to think she was right. How often do we say, ‘we can’t do that’ because the person who has wronged us is family? How often do family ‘get away with it’ when others would have been either pushed outside of our life or remonstrated with for the wrong doing? I know I have. I know I have taken such a lot and done nothing because of the family, especially in my growing years.

Over the past 3 years, ‘family’ have insulted me, hurt me, lied about me, caused me pain, monetary cost and loss. So where was ‘family’ there Nan? You obviously didn’t teach them what you taught me.Throughout life I have taken this, let it go. I may have tried to give my side of the truth, tried to make things right but to no avail. ‘Family’ have shut me out and continue to lie and hurt me. They have encouraged others, who know nothing of me, to believe the slurs and to spread the lies and evil without knowing the truth. So if this is how families behave, what hope have we? If families don’t care about truth, what hope have we to hear the truth from those in power, those who know nothing of the people they lord over.

What I am saying is that love, compassion, forgiveness and empathy should begin at home. If we can be true to our relatives, listen to all sides in any thing we hear, then we will continue to bring that to all aspects of our lives. But if we can’t do this within the confines of ‘family’ how can we expect it of communities, countries, powers etc. The truth is we can’t.

It is a sad indictment that truth is nowhere to be seen, either at home or out there in our beautiful world. Did Trump mean everything he promised? I don’t know. Did he mean all the nasty things he said? I don’t know. But if, like  families, the truth doesn’t matter, if the world family doesn’t matter, if compassion for his fellow man doesn’t count, where does that leave America?

 

Love, empathy, compassion a, honesty, integrity and love bring peace. Without those in our own worlds and the greater World, we are lost. Think on.

Thankyou for reading x

 

 

Childhood ,Fun And Halloween.

Short blog today as the evil that is Shingles has descended upon me and I am really not well but wanted to say a few things.

The thing that is missing today, in the lives of our children, is the belief in fun and magic. The belief that life is wonderful, magical and full of good things. The news is heavy with war, famine, murder and atrocities across the world. We only ever hear the bad things that happen, we don’t hear of the good things, they don’t sell newspapers or gain viewers. I know more than most, that childhood can be a scary terrifying place to be and the past 3 years, I have suffered bullying and cruelty myself, so know how life can be in all it’s horribleness.

But I also still believe in fairies. Well, no, I don’t actually believe in the tiny mythical creatures with wings who do good deeds but I do believe in the fundamental goodness of most of mankind.

In this day of heightened awareness of Child Sexual abuse and exploitation, a day never goes by without hearing of some horror having happened to a child, currently or somewhere in the past. Yes, of course these things need to be ‘out there’, in the public eye. Perhaps if it had been so years ago, my life and others like me, would have had better childhoods and a better life. But they weren’t. CSA happened and will sadly always happen and the public need to be aware of that. Not only of the abuse itself but as I have written about in other blogs, the nasty lasting legacies of such abuse. Depression, promiscuity, drug addiction, depression and PTSD to name a few. All can be legacies of childhood sexual abuse.

Anyone who talks and promotes awareness of CSA is doing good. Every person who reports sexual abuse or any abuse of a child, is doing the right thing and both of these practices need to continue and grow in numbers.

But.

Sadly, in my opinion, we need to do more. We need to make the world a place where our children can be children again. Teach them body awareness. Teach them body safety. Teach them that if someone is doing something they don’t like that they can say No. But along with this, teach them how to tell you or another trusted adult, what is happening. Teach them what is acceptable and what isn’t. What behaviour is appropriate and what isn’t. How to know the difference. Talk about their bodies, in the safety of their homes and re assure them that you will always listen to their fears and worries and above that, you will always believe them and keep them safe. We need to let them know who they can trust, who they can go to. It is our responsibility as grown ups, to always listen, always believe, then keeping the child safe, always act.

I will always tell my story. The reason I wrote it was to hopefully inspire others who have suffered abuse and to enlighten those who haven’t. I will keep telling, keep educating and hopefully keep helping. One the books I am currently writing is a self-help tool for victims to use to help them become survivors.

The one thing that I often think, is that all the heightened awareness and stories of abuse, could prevent our children from being children, out of fear. Our fears often transferred to them. I don’t think it useful for children to grow up thinking the world to be a cruel, wicked place full of nasty people out to hurt them.We need to encourage them to have fun. Yes of course prepare them for the world out there but what we mustn’t do is scare them into not being normal children. Along with the teaching I have talked about we need to let them know who they can trust and allow them the need to be kids.

I have seen warnings on here about Halloween. Telling parents not to allow their children to take part. Not to allow them to celebrate, play trick or treat, take goodies from people etc. Good advice but not all people are monsters. Not everyone is out to hurt our children. Kids love to be scared, in the fun way. They love to dress up, act out of character and have good old-fashioned fun. Of course still warn them, teach them and then let them behave like children used to behave. Let them have their All Hallows Eve parties, let them trick or treat in safety.

Here’s a thought. What about dressing up with the kids, I did. It can be fun and the children will be safe.Dress as a ghost, witch etc and only visit people you know. Go with your children and bring back the fun of Halloween, together.

If we take the fun out of our children’s lives, they won’t have those times to remember. They will learn that the world is a scary, dangerous place, full of evil people out to hurt them. When in reality it is also full of those who love children, love people and who would never do anything to harm either. Normal people who like to help children to play like kids and enjoy the process of growing up. 

The secret is knowing who those in contact with our children are and keeping our children safe. It is not about taking the fun our of being a child, fun that gives them happy memories in their future lives.

Just sayin’. x

Telling Of Our Monsters.. and The Monsters Listening

Edited.

cassieharte

Today has shown me that those who are causing even more stress to victims of CSA are not going way. The Barbara Hewson’s of this world. She for one, now has her audience, she is now far more ‘well known’ than before she began her onslaught. Not famous in my eyes but notorious and infamous. Sinking this low to be ‘known’ shrieks of desperation to be in the public eye. Would you want to be associated with the comments she has used? Calling victims who have come forward in these many high-profile cases, ‘nutcases, lunatics’ etc. Calling them liars and out to get compensation? I know I wouldn’t.

One of  the reasons some people, those uneducated in the field of understanding CSA, doubt survivors stories, is that the person telling it as it was, reliving their horrific experiences, remember details that some of those listening find hard to believe. They doubt…

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Telling Of Our Monsters.. and The Monsters Listening

 

Today has shown me that those who are causing even more stress to victims of CSA are not going way. The Barbara Hewson’s of this world. She for one, now has her audience, she is now far more ‘well known’ than before she began her onslaught. Not famous in my eyes but notorious and infamous. Sinking this low to be ‘known’ shrieks of desperation to be in the public eye. Would you want to be associated with the comments she has used? Calling victims who have come forward in these many high-profile cases, ‘nutcases, lunatics’ etc. Calling them liars and out to get compensation? I know I wouldn’t.

One of  the reasons some people, those uneducated in the field of understanding CSA, doubt survivors stories, is that the person telling it as it was, reliving their horrific experiences, remember details that some of those listening find hard to believe. They doubt that anyone can remember things that happened so many years ago. Especially the details of the abuse.

Well I will educate them with my own experience as a victim and as a Psychotherapist having worked with many victims of CSA and Rape.

Any sexual abuse is traumatic. It doesn’t matter how small others may see the act as, if the person feels abused, then it will have impacted on them and been traumatic enough to embed itself in their memory. Trauma embeds memory. Not just the act of abuse but everything pertaining to it. For myself, when reliving these traumas to write I DID TELL I DID, I had to do so in the night, when the family were asleep. Complete silence and no one around. I knew what it would do to me, or at least I thought I did but was not prepared for the details and everything that came back to me, in the quiet of those nights of writing. I had always had the memories, always been able to box them up and never take off the lids. But to write my story I had to do just that. Open the box, throw the contents onto the floor in front of me and be back in the place the abuse happened. I would become 7 again, even younger sometimes. The memories brought back the smells, the sounds and the emotions of the time the abuse had happened. But mostly, the fear. Traumatic, scary times that were always lurking at the back of my mind until that time. I remembered every single detail and felt as scared and helpless as I did back when I was Cassie the little girl. Revisiting my own CSA was horrific and dragged me back to a time and place I never wanted to go to but knew I had to, to share my story. There were very few books like mine out there back in 2009 and I wanted to let others who had suffered, know they were not alone.

So, as a victim, I know how hard retelling of these nasty evil accounts can be. The reason for today’s blog is two-fold. Firstly to tell how it is from someone who knows and secondly to reflect to myself whether or not I would have been brave enough to do what these courageous survivors are doing today. I hope they will  gain some peace of mind and justice. If the enquiries ever come to an end, I worry how much damage may be done to them when people call them, liars, nutcases etc. Has Ms Hewson thought of that? I doubt she cares.

So, would I have ‘outed’ my abuser? I like to think I would have. Would it have made a difference when I found out who he was? Well yes, it made a huge difference at the time but would not have influenced me not to tell.. I hadn’t heard the word ‘incest’ back then but knowing who he was to me, made the whole nasty situation so much worse. How would I have felt if someone called me a liar? Well years and years after writing my story, telling my truth, I was called a liar. Not because the truth wasn’t believed but because it was the only way a family member, my youngest sister, Anne, could hurt me at that time, through my writing. So I know how it feels to be called a liar, after all, that is what the ‘woman they called my mother’ called me when as a child, after I told her what was happening. To speak out and have to revisit horrors that no child should suffer and to be called a liar, hurts more than I can tell you.

I didn’t have the option of telling openly so I wrote my story under a pseudonym. But now, when I see how survivors and victims trying to become survivors are treated by some, I use the royal ‘we’ and place myself firmly at their sides. This I suppose could make me a victim of bullying by the Ms H’s of this world, but it would never make me stop.

The latest insult is to hear that she thinks ‘people’ are coming forward in order to claim compensation! Well, believe me Ms Hewson, no amount of money could compensate for the suffering of genuine survivors of CSA!  Sexual abuse at any age is horrific and can lead to devastating long-term issues for the victim. Re telling this abuse, over and over to legal personnel, judges, etc; laying yourself bare to the public and putting yourself in this vulnerable place where people call you a liar, insult you and laugh at you, is no picnic. Personally, telling my husband and daughters and the sons of my abuser, was traumatic and painful beyond words. I have worked with clients who tell me their story, showing me the pain and horror they felt, changing in front of me, sometimes curling up in their chair as babies do, becoming that hurt and terrified child in order to rid themselves of the legacy of abuse. No amount of money is worth that.

Name calling, laughing at people, belittling them are all signs of a bully. It shows a lack of vocabulary. But most of all it shows a huge lack of compassion.

Never belittle those who have suffered in a way you have no insight to. Don’t insult those who are braver than you or laugh at those who are trying to be strong. It doesn’t take much to do anything of these things but it takes courage, strength, integrity and honesty to tell the story of your own demons, your own childhood sexual abuse.

Don’t let anyone stop you.

Thankyou for reading.x