The pain of revisiting my abuse for the 2nd time.

Well the 2nd edition of I DID TELL I DID is almost there. It has been along hard ‘slog’ and one I should not have had to make.

When I first brought my story out in 2009, I had spent night after night revisiting the horrors that were my childhood. I was working as a Psychotherapist, looking after my home and family and many ponies. Staying up at night was the only way I could write about what had happened to me as a child. It wasn’t easy, going back in my mind, thinking about the abuse and the nastiness of the woman they called my mother. My husband Daniel was very supportive and so were my daughters although only Lucy lived at home at that time. I had locked the ‘nasties’ in boxes that were hard to open. I knew once opened I had to deal with the memories and pain and fear that were locked up with them. The thought of that was too much to bear at times, but had to be done. Smells, sounds, pieces of music, all there alongside the horrific attacks on my body and mind. Inflicted by the evil who was Bill. Unlocking the box was only the beginning, dealing with the contents was  much more difficult. So writing at night when the family were asleep, no telephone to break my thoughts, was the only way. It took its toll but I wanted to let others suffering the way I had, to know they were not alone. To bring something good out of something so very bad.

This time, 7 years on, I thought it would be easier. After all I had dealt with the sexual abuse that was my childhood. Hadn’t I? I wasn’t that terrified little girl anymore was I? I thought I was all ‘healed’. I was wrong. Maybe if this edition had come about when I felt safe in myself, as I did when I wrote my second book NOBODY TOLD  ME, it would have been easy. But it wasn’t. I was not in a good place, I was unwell, had stuff happen around ‘family’ that had left me bereft and hurting.

There should never have been a 2nd edition. There should never have been any reason for it but as you all know, who have read previous blogs, that their was. The book had become a bestseller and was still selling but people on a personal vendetta against me, had other ideas and brought about the demise of I DID TELL. Nothing to do with my book, or the contents.

For the past 3 years, I have suffered a different kind of abuse. Again from ‘family’ but in its way, a more cruel kind. Maybe that is because it is someone much closer to home , someone I loved and cared for, someone I least expected to hurt me in this wicked manner,who is inflicting this on me. Now, again, without the ability to fight back, stories have been told, lies have been spread and social media has been subjected to people  blackening my name in any form that they can. I can’t reply, I can’t comment because they have made it impossible by blocking me on every account.

I have received emails from a person not known to me, accusing me of the very things, the people who are causing pain to me, are doing . A blog from this person, full of threats and lies but cowardly making these threats with no intention of acting on them. I know who they are referring to because the content, in brief, is written on my blog page in my own name. Everything written is a lie, a wicked slur.Cowardly, bullying, nasty.

I took people off my own account, my real name account and blocked others on both accounts,who had already blocked me. Because they would unblock me, come back on and message me or comment  nasty lies on my posts and then block me again. It became so bad that I was almost afraid to turn the computer on. I have had nasty messages from people I don’t know, on Facebook, others from friends of the ‘family’ who are doing this, and private messages from ‘relatives’ who know nothing about me. I have had comments on very old WordPress blogs, from last year and earlier, again insulting and from people I don’t know but who I have discovered, are friends of the perpetrators of the nasties against me now. None of these comments or emails or posts are from people who know me, so they don’t know the truth.

I will now begin to fight back. These people have rendered me as scared and hurt as my abuser and the woman they called my mother did. They have alienated my brother Tom, my sister Rosie, with their lies and others, in their perverse need to hurt me. All of this has made me ill. Threatened my peace of mind and sent me back to that little girl I was. Trying to keep me there with no one to tell the truth to.

Well, they will fail. Those who matter know the truth. I DID TELL I DID will be back soon and it will explain why the 2nd edition was necessary. ‘They’ can’t cry to my publisher, tell lies to those they wrote to before. Nothing they do can stop the book or stop me.

Yes all of this has made me ill. Cost me money taken me back to the places I never wanted to go to again. Life during the re -publishing has been very hard for me, emotionally and physically. The dreams and nightmares are back. Panic sometimes tries hard to push its way in. All the horrid symptoms I had before, have all shown their ugly heads but I won’t let it stop me. These ‘people’ have hurt me in a way no one should ever hurt another human being. I became afraid to look at Facebook, at my emails and that has to stop.

So, I DID TELL I DID will be back where it belongs. I will keep everyone up to date with its progress and again say Thankyou to my many friends on here and on Social media in general, especially G. x

Bye for now and thanks for reading. x

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