The Woman, The Writer and The Little Girl (revisited)

Today has been a very mixed day but also in some ways, a good one. I realized that even though many years have passed and we become different people, deep down inside we are always the same. We hold the same values, the same needs, the same emotions and the same qualities. They may display differently as we grow through the stages of life but ultimately, they are the same. I also realised how other people can steal our peace of mind, our ability to function and so ultimately affect our lives. I will not allow this to continue. So here I am a midweek re-worked blog, of an old blog.

The Writer.

The books I write are always true stories. My childhood in I DID TELL I DID and my later teenage years into woman hood in NOBODY TOLD ME. I have never wanted to write fiction, I don’t even know if I could. I have found real life to be dramatic enough. Readers choose to read my books or not, but writing them is a cathartic exercise for writers of true personal stories, or was and is in my case.

In my own experience, real life is harsher and sometimes more traumatic than any novel, because it is true. That mere fact makes the reader ‘feel’ for the character and empathise with them. Not, I hope, in my own writing, sympathise with the author. Sympathy is not what I hoped for and thankfully didn’t receive. The writer I have become, uses her memories, her experiences and the truth to tell others about her life or about other’s lives. Writing my stories, my life experiences has two positives. It can help others in some way, either by making them realise they are not alone, or by simply allowing them to believe they can get through their own horrors. The second way is to help me process my own demons. Sexual abuse, cruelty, loss of a baby to adoption and a child born sleeping, plus other traumas. All of these were told in the first two books because they happened to me. I haven’t dramatized anything, if anything I have left things out. My childhood was a web of lies and that has made me see honesty as the most important quality that I live by. I don’t lie and I feel hurt and insulted when I am lied to. So my first two books are me, warts’n all.

My next book will be a kind of ‘self -help’ book. A coffee table edition that can be used when victims or survivors need a little encouragement, a little bit of comfort. I will combine my own story in little snapshots, to show how I coped, how I used different tools to survive. Some good, some not so good. I will also use my experience and expertise in my field of Psychotherapy and Counselling. I will teach the tools and techniques I teach my clients to enable them and empower them in their lives. It will be clear, concise, humorous where appropriate and like everything I say and write, honest in its content. Its working title is: ‘Come Walk With Me. (on a journey from victim to Survivor).

So this is me as a writer.

The Woman.

After surviving the horrors of abuse, I have always tried to help others who have been harmed, and keep children safe. In my work as a Psychotherapist I work hard to help clients come through their trauma and become survivors after being victims. I am always honest to them as people and I expect and receive honesty from them, to enable us to work together to a satisfactory ending. As I have said, honesty is paramount. I have lost out big time to keep my integrity intact in the past, because of this. I can’t lie to people or for people and have always thought of this as a virtue but it sometimes comes at high cost to me. My childhood was full of fear and deceit, lies and nasty intrigue .I have worked hard to eradicate these things from the life of everyone I love and anyone who asks help of me. I try hard not to dwell on my own stuff, I gain pleasure from helping those who need it and try hard not to refuse this help to anyone. There was no one there for me as a child, so I want to be the ‘someone’ for anyone who comes to me. Like hundreds of others, thousands of users, I have social media accounts to share my thoughts, my fun times, my family and animals and always try to make people smile. Being honest on there has gained me hundreds of friends but also some very big enemies. Would I change my integrity? No. I will always believe, honesty is always the best policy.

The Little Girl.

Now this is where it all began. My early years were traumatic, painful, scary and full of horror. The Writer in me has tried hard to put this all to bed, deal with it, by telling her story. This is was the subject for my first book, I DID TELL I DID which is coming out again in July, having been re published as a 2nd edition. It is an honest, true account of my early life. Writing it was very hard. Took me back to places and horrors that were scary and painful to think about. Revisiting these was worth it after receiving hundreds of letter from readers, my story either helped or encouraged to come forward. It also helped me and I thought I had succeeded in letting it all go. But I haven’t, not really. I have moved away from the hurt terrified child, I have dealt with my beginning and my middle and am working on my ‘end’. But it is never far away. All the work I have done can be triggered to throw me back to those dark horrific days. I didn’t think this could happen anymore but it can as I have recently discovered. We deal with our past by either changing how we remember it to make it more comfortable, or we box it all up and hope no one rips the lids off the boxes. But sometimes they can, as I have seen of late. Time doesn’t matter, memories have no timescale when they rush back into your head as though it were yesterday. Because it was a long time ago, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t scare you or doesn’t matter.  

Today I realised that my years as little Cassie, made me who I am today. All the nasties were building blocks to where I am now. Yes my writing enabled me to process that life. Yes the Woman worked hard at ‘moving on’ whatever that might mean. But the reality is this. No matter what has happened as a child, as a woman and as a writer, nothing will ultimately change the child inside. Little Cassie.

Readers have kindly said I must have been strong to survive my childhood. They say I must be a very strong woman. Well perhaps they are right, I hope they are right. I am now going to draw on that strength and stop making excuses, to stop using my failing health not to write and get on and write my third book!  NOBODY TOLD ME is doing well, so that’s good and I DID TELL I DID is on track to return, in spite of some who caused its demise.

I want to thank all of my readers, my Facebook and Twitter friends and supporters and my husband, daughter Lucy and my son Jack. They have been there through the good the bad and the ugly that has entered my life yet again. Never faltering in their love and support. So thank you all.

Watch this space, in July, I DID TELL I DID will be back where it belongs and hopefully will help many more.

Little Cassie is back with a vengeance. Watch this space! xx

 

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