Re:Last blog. Timelapse Victim to Survivor and Barbara Hewson.

After my blog last week, I have been amazed, surprised, encouraged and shocked by the number of comments, messages, shares and re tweets. WOW! comes to mind. Thankyou to everyone who contributed.

Firstly, I am happy to say that I had never even heard of this woman, Ms Hewson ,before being sent the video that began this ‘conversation’. It has been a revelation to me. So many people, some CSA victims some people who are rightly appalled by her remarks. The worst thing, to me, in the video was when she laughed. The interviewer looked as shocked as I felt and asked her if she found sexual abuse funny. Again she laughed.

A great deal has been bandied about, telling of  things she has apparently said, the nasty language she uses and her ignorant, callous and downright cruel comments  about people who are coming forward with their stories. It has even been hinted that she must have a hidden agenda. I won’t comment on my own thoughts re this. Yet!

Few people say they have been sexually abused if they haven’t. The results of coming forward, of telling, can be horrible, can put the victim back in the place they may have fought years to escape from. A place of fear and terror. The last thing we need is for someone who seems to have no understanding of what being a victim of this horrendous crime means to a person, spouting nasty unhelpful and belittling opinions, based, I think on exactly that. Ignorance.

Well Ms Hewson, I will tell you a little of how life feels and how it affects you having suffered sexual abuse as a child. Not all but just a glimpse. Not about the fear, the wishing you were dead, the helplessness and feelings of guilt and shame that are heaped upon us as children; but how life is for us when we become adults. How we cope, or rather how we survive holding on to the nasties of our abused childhoods.

Sexual abuse is traumatic. Whether the incident is a single one or if the abuse is continuous over a long period of time. Life is different for the abused child. They feel isolated, scared, confused and sometimes have physical pain to endure; that is a result from the sexual ‘play’ with them, from an adult abuser. As they grow up, life does not always improve. You,Ms Hewson, think that if the abuse happened a long time ago, it ‘doesn’t really matter’! We aren’t able to ‘come forward’ as children, that is the point! Coming forward with your story, as a defenceless confused child is mostly impossible. Some do  tell an adult, as I did and nothing changes.

 Child victims are bullied into believing that they won’t be believed. That life will get worse for them if they tell. That somehow people will think it their fault. All the things the abuser tells them. Children depend on learning from adults, they don’t understand at the time, that the adult is making this up. Telling them lies. An Abuser often says that if the child told, he would say that the victim ‘wanted it’ to happen That it was their own fault. As children, we don’t know that any adult will understand that the abuser is the only person at fault. That none of the responsibility is the child’s. We believe what we are told, we know no different and keep quiet.

As the abused grow, the memories haunt them, they don’t go away. Sometimes they become bigger, too much to bear. It is at this point that some of the innocent people, damaged by sexual abuse, can take no more and commit suicide. Their lives taken from them by the abuse.To me, that is murder and the abuser is the murderer. In order to survive, others use alcohol, drugs, and sometimes, as with me, prescribed medication to take away the pain and dull the memory. This doesn’t make the memory disappear but dulls it enough  to allow the victim to survive. Some go into prostitution. Unable to form relationships, they go to what was their ‘norm’. Sexual activity.All, I believe, suffer some degree of PTSD from the trauma.

I was abused for as far back as I can remember, so possibly from my babyhood. It wasn’t a stranger but a close family ‘friend’. He groomed me and was able to do anything he wanted as I became too scared to fight. I told. Yes I told the woman they called my mother. She didn’t want to believe me, she turned me away calling me a wicked liar. I found later that my abuser was her lover.I never told again until I wrote my autobiography, one of the first, in 2009. I was given pills that I thought were for headaches, aged 15. Life became easier, I could cope and the memories didn’t seem to hurt as much. I was dependent on this medication for the next 25 years.

Every time a victim is in the news and is not believed, doesn’t get justice, is humiliated in any way; we feel their pain. Every time we read about CSA we feel it, deep in our souls. Sometimes this triggers our memories, our nightmares our PTSD. Sometimes, even now, I am shuffed back into the nightmares of my childhood, by people like you writing or talking in such a throw away manner. It reminds me of how I wasn’t believed. .As if CSA is not an issue. In your line of work I find that very hard to accept. Does this mean you will treat abusers lightly? I really hope the past week has affected you. I hope you have read what we, the survivors and the victims have said. If it hasn’t affected, you I feel sad for you, being the person you are, must be hard.

So Ms Hewson. Don’t laugh at me. Don’t be patronizing when talking of ‘people like me’. If you have nothing constructive to say. If you can’t acknowledge victims of abuse. If you can’t understand our pain and understand that no matter how long ago we were abused. We were abused. We were victims of theft; of the most precious thing we had, our childhoods. terrorised,  sometimes beaten, humiliated, hurt beyond words and those of us who have stood up , will be heard. If not by you, by each other.

Thank you for reading my blog.



6 thoughts on “Re:Last blog. Timelapse Victim to Survivor and Barbara Hewson.

  1. There is a lot I would have written, but you’ve basically said everything that needed to be said and extremely well written I might add. Barbara Hewson appears to ‘thrive’ making belittling comments to survivors/child sex abuse campaigners. She thinks she’s ‘clever’. There is a word for you, Ms Hewson, and I can assure you it is not CLEVER. You are either ‘evil’ or you are ‘mad’. Take your pick. You are a disgrace to your profession and the human race. Calling an alleged child sex abuse survivor who came forward as ‘ToxicNick’. How do you think this has made him feel? You wouldn’t know would you, you haven’t got a heart just a very, very, very, very nasty personality. Keep your self rightous, ugly, nasty, downright evil comments to yourself or, alternatively, stuff them where the sun don’t shine.


  2. I have faced a whole host of retorts from disclosure of childhood sexual abuse and incest, however to be laughed at in the situation you were in is just disgraceful. You are incredibly brave for continuing to represent yourself after such in humane treatment. I would also like to thank you for having the courage to put this blog together to expose this unacceptable behaviour. We will not be silenced!


    1. Hi,
      You may have misunderstood. It wasn’t I who was laughed at,well indirectly it was every CSA victim/survivor. My first blog re this was in reply to an interview Ms Hewson was in, where she laughed when asked about historical abuse, saying as it was a long time ago, it should not be heard. eg. The Saville victims. Insinuating , in my opinion she was saying that ‘old CSA was not now important. When asked if she thought it funny, she laughed again. To me she was talking as a barrister or a politician, showed no concern or thought to victims. She has no understanding of how our lives are and were affected by CSA. Again, in my opinion she should not be doing the work she is doing with this attitude and her lack of knowledge re the subject of sexual abuse. Surely this would affect her judgment of such crimes. I wrote the second blog, after the huge response from readers who had suffered verbal abuse from her. I came forward re my own story, when I wrote my autobiography and was shocked and surprised when so many readers could identify with me. Comforting in a strange way, as the reason I wrote my book was to hopefully comfort and inspire others who had suffered in this wicked manner and to enlighten those who hadn’t. As survivors, we need acknowledgement and consideration of our lives and the issues that are legacies of the abuse suffered. Not ridicule or belittlement.Thank you for commenting and for your kind words.


  3. Three words: psychopathic, sociopathic, narcissistic – Ms Hewson is all three. Like my abuser she operates on reverse psychology by endeavoring to place the responsibility on the victim. This is all part of the grooming and gaslighting process of a perpetrator, which in my opinion makes her more evil and dangerous than perhaps is realised. By using her position as a Barrister, she abuses her position and power in order to covertly endeavour to mock and abuse others. She believes her position of power gives her that right and that the vulnerable (in her opinion) will believe her vile communications “because of her position of power.” Ms Hewson is a very dangerous individual who would score high on the Psychopathic Test. A psychopath finds it impossible to have empathy or compassion and has no conscience. Read the book: Without Conscience.


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