As regular readers will know, I am an author and a Psychotherapist. For those who are new to my blog, I wrote my autobiography, I DID TELL I DID, almost 7 years ago, it was published and straight away became a Sunday Times Number one for a few weeks and remained in the Top ten for months. In total it has sold more than 100,000 copies over 4 countries. So I proud to say it was a success. The reason for writing my life story was two-fold.
Firstly, I had felt the need to tell, to let others know they were not alone. My book was one of the first about childhood sexual abuse and so I also felt privileged to share my story with others.Receiving letters, emails and messages from readers telling me how reading about these horrible things happening to someone else and seeing how she survived to tell her story, encouraged and helped them. Some went on to tell family and friends, some to take their abuser to court. Others have written their own books and had the same experiences as I have had. All positive in my case. I wanted to let others know what some children went through, to tell them that teaching children Stranger Danger is of course important, but for some of us, the danger was far closer to home. Some readers said they would now listen to children who confided in them, watch for signs of abuse and act. All of this was like a revelation and a good one at that.
The other reason was to be able to move forward in my life and leave the pain and hurt behind me. It had always been there, overshadowing my entire being. In the early days, I used my church as a place of respite but that was short-lived. I told the woman they called my mother but she didn’t believe me. She barely heard me when I told her, because the man who was hurting me was her lover. Later in life I couldn’t cope at school with all that was happening at home, I was given anti anxiety medication and this was the beginning of the slippery slope. I wrote in-depth about this in my second book NOBODY TOLD ME. I then lived 25 years under the influence of this medication, because it helped me deal with the nightmares that didn’t end until I was 22 years of age. I suffered from what I now know to be PTSD from the trauma of the abuse.The panic attacks when memory was triggered and day mares, heightened startle reflects and other forms of trauma related symptoms. I couldn’t sleep and if I did had nightmares.The medication blurred everything but I was able to live a near normal life. It affected my sense of reason and judgment leading me to make many mistakes.
One-day, realizing that the medication was killing me, I fought hard to withdraw from it and began to live the life I wanted and needed. I hadn’t been aware I was dependent but withdrawing showed me I was. After 18 horrific months I came through and succeeded when people said I wouldn’t. Rising like a phoenix so to speak.
I had lived a life with very blurred edges, missing important things about sadly, remembering all the nasties, the trauma and the hurt.
I moved to Wales and had a beautiful life ‘on a farm’ surrounded by beautiful countryside, amazing views and many animals. I began a new life as a Psychotherapist and author.
6 plus years on and I DID TELL I DID was still selling and I was still hearing from readers, still reading my lovely heartfelt reviews, all making revisiting the horrors to write my story, worth all the pain. Childhood had been hard at times, family against me, whenever the woman they called my mother wasn’t talking to me, leaving me feeling isolated and alone. Not part of this dysfunctional family. But I had my own family now. My wonderful husband Daniel, my daughters Melissa and Lucy and my two wonderful grandsons. Life was good.
Then it began to fall away. After having a difference of opinion with my eldest daughter Melissa, she shut me out of her life in every way. My honesty and need for honesty cost me her relationship. I refused to lie for her in an official matter and she became angry. Nothing changed because I made this decision, but I feel she used this to shut me out, as it suited her at the time. Since then, as you may have read in earlier blogs, she has made my life very difficult and hurt me beyond comprehension. All aided by her nasty aunt Anne. They had involved my elder sister Rosie, who had been told lies about me and the content of my book. They were trying to put Cassie back where she had been as a child. At first they succeeded. But one of the cruelest things they did was to attack me using my story. Between them they have managed to lie to my publisher and be believed at first, then involve the publisher in a private matter than did not concern anyone else. This resulted in the demise of my first book. Nothing to do with the content but a personal matter that should have remained personal. Now my contract with the publisher is ended. The book off the market.
The End? No.
As my blog title says, Rising like a Phoenix. When the chips are down there really is only one way to go, one thing to do. To rise above it all. Go up to where you were. The greatest ‘revenge’ I can have, on these evil people who are intent on destroying, me is to win.
So the text is done, with some additions in view of the latest incidents. The acknowledgements almost done and a preface is ready. New front page is being crafted as we speak by the lovely team who produced NOBODY TOLD ME. I DID TELL I DID will very soon rise to where it should be and was. On the market and proud to be there!
Thank you for reading my blog. All comments are welcome and please look out for the 2nd edition of my autobiography I DID TELL I DID. Out soon. Thank you .x