How I became 7 years old again. The nightmares return.

For regular readers of my blog, you will know how hard I have tried to stay a survivor and not a victim. For those of you new to it, I will try and make this easy to understand without telling every thing again.

For many years I had survived inside of my victim shell. I had been sexually abused for the whole of my life, can’t remember where it started, it was always there. Always happened. All of my childhood and early adulthood, I struggled with panic disorder, generalised anxiety, became dependent on medication, just trying to survive what was happening to me. I suffered every symptom of PTSD and these were the hardest to work through and recover from. As an older adult, I went to college and University, gained a Masters in Counselling and became Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist. I laid the ghost of my childhood to rest… well almost.

I decided to write I DID TELL I DID my autobiography, to fully escape the bonds of my captivity as a victim of CSA and to hopefully help others suffering the same plight, let them know they are not alone. This was long before all the CSA stories around today. It worked. After many many years I could talk about the horrors of my childhood. I wrote in response to hundreds of readers who contacted me, trying to help them out of the horrid place they found themselves. I had succeeded, I was free. I want the same for other victims and help them become survivors. I then wrote my second book NOBODY TOLD ME the story of my 25 year dependency, the legacy from the CSA.

I was doing okay, more than surviving, I had dealt with my demons enough to have stopped the nightmares, the flashbacks, the day terrors. Yes, I was recovered!

Until 2012 when an evil source came into my life through the backdoor. Some may think I should forget this time but ‘this time’ catches up with me, often of late. When writing stories, novels etc. we make up characters and have them in our heads, as all writers will know. We could draw them if asked. We don’t need to do this if the story is true. During the horrors that were Jade Louise Wood back in 2012, I visualised her abusers, the evil men who took her away and did despicable things to her. The men who tortured and sexually abused her and her babies. I could see these men and felt her fear, her pain and her heartache. One particular man Dave Jackson, became very real to me and I can see now, in my head, because my abuser was evil personified; that Dave Jackson looked like my own abuser, Bill. That was when my nightmares began again. I would wake up in the night terrified that Bill was back, in the form of this David Jackson. I would imagine seeing him in the local town, hearing his voice. At the wheel of the car behind me in traffic. Her horrific lies; her wicked evil ‘disclosures’ were so explicit and descriptive that I could actually see them happening.

As all survivors and victims of CSA will know, triggers don’t need to be significant things, they can be a smell, a sound, a place, a photo, anything can trigger off your past horrors and memories.

Well it is 3 year on and the nightmares are still coming. I had worked hard at clearing my mind of such nasties, the dreams, the flashbacks, the nightmares had all stopped after writing my book. Yesterday I saw a photo of a man and suddenly they were back. It wasn’t the person whose picture it was in reality, staring back at me, it was my abuser. I was 7 again, in the houseboat that Bill took me to and  where he savagely abused me and the feelings, the fear was all there. I could smell him, hear him and feel him. These happenings had stopped, I didn’t get these anymore until Jade Wood stormed into my life and trampled over my feelings, my emotions and my memories, making them as vivid as they had been years before. Yesterday they were back big time.

I never slept last night.

There is another side to CSA. As I have said before, CSA is the worst most evil crime against children that there is. But there is a close second. Saying it happened to you when it didn’t, is as bad as committing abuse, in one way, at least in my opinion. Jade Wood made up a whole family, friends etc to make her story credible, so that I had no reason to doubt what she told me, either in the 7000 plus emails she sent, or on the telephone. I spoke with Ellie White over Facebook, spoke with Amie Cartwright, her ‘made up ‘friends. Had hundreds of emails from her ‘Aunt’ Jen Corte and ‘Uncle’ Mark Corte or Marcus Castle, they were all real to me. I spoke hundreds of times on the phone to Jade, listening very often to her sobs and cries, broke me up hearing her terror and fear. Hearing of her losses, her baby son who had died. Talking to her when she had been abducted and held in a room, used for acts of depravity that she would describe in sordid detail.Eventually, after 6 of the worst months of my adult life; she sent me a video of her naked and crying for help, I went to the police and the truth came out. Everything had been made up, everything was a lie, to cause me pain and fear. Well she succeeded big time.

Yes she went to court. Yes she was charged and sentenced but not enough. I need people to be aware of the Jade Wood’s in this world. There is so much about CSA victims on Twitter etc and we need to remember that some of the accusations will be false. Some people, for their own despicable appetite will accuse others of CSA and it will not be true. These people  are as bad as the abusers. Just in a different way. Not only do they damage people’s lives and reputations , forever,by false allegations but they can instill doubt in the minds of people whom genuine victims disclose their abuse to.

Before 2012 and the wicked hoax played on me, by this nasty depraved young woman, I would never have believed that someone would or could make up these stories of sexual abuse. Having suffered CSA myself, from as long as I remember, through to my early 20’s, I didn’t even imagine that a person would lie and say these despicable things happened to them, when they didn’t. This is a crime and needs to be acknowledged as such and the offender punished fittingly. Restraining orders, as in my case, made against the perpetrator of this hoax, were broken and the police did nothing. So that didn’t make me feel safe that she had learned her lesson. She hasn’t.

So when we read stories of CSA, new stories in the media or personally, let’s wait for the facts. Let’s not judge before we know. When we have the facts and the person is proved guilty of these offences, then and only then should we judge.

But!

Let us also punish the liars, who accuse innocent people of the worst crimes against children, who, like Jade Wood, make up abusers and give them names, making them real to those who hear the stories. Causing pain, fear, terror and anguish, to those who hear of, or read the nasty disclosures about torture, abuse, and in my case murder of innocent children. The people these liars send explicit pictures, drawings and photos of acts of wicked sickening depravity to, like me. Let’s punish and name them like we do all sex offenders because by doing this, they are no better than child abusers themselves. They think up these horrific stories and tell others, with no thought for any damage done to the listener or anyone they have involved in the made up depraved stories. This is all done to satisfy some depravity in the mind of the liar themselves. We should, name and shame them and make sure everyone knows who they are.

Of late there have been accusations against many people who have been ‘named and shamed’ and some of these have been innocent. I think we should refrain from naming anyone until the facts are known and proven. Then and only then we should name and shame. If the accuser has lied, if the story is made up, fabricated as in my case by Jade Wood, then we should publicly name, shame and punish severely the false accuser.

To lie about anything is wrong. To accuse someone of sexual abuse is belittling and insulting to the genuine victims and will make the authorities doubt some who come forward. Let’s think again please. The other side of this of course, is that once said, it can’t be unsaid. For the falsely accused the damage is already done. They and their families have to live with the fall out. Some people will still believe the lies, ‘no smoke without fire’ attitude. These poor people will never be the same again. I wrote a while ago on here, about a few people I worked with as a Psychotherapist, who had been falsely accused of these horrendous crimes. Eventually after a long court case, the accusers admitted that they had made everything up. During that time, 2 of their victims thought about suicide, suffered from severe anxiety and depression. I know they got through it all but I also know their lives changed forever.

In my opinion, as a survivor , a Psychotherapist and a woman. there is nothing worse on this earth than those who harm children. Sexual abuse being the worst kind of hurt. I believe that looking at images of child sexual abuse, is abuse as well. That those who pretend to be abused to satisfy their own sick minds, this also is a form of abuse and should be punished accordingly. There have been a few cases recently, where the accused has been found guilty and the punishment has been severe. I applaud that. We need to make offenders understand, that they may think they are getting away with sexually abusing children, but I hope the fact that more children in the future, with our encouragement, will tell and the offences against them will stop, might prevent some from acting out their evil desires. Maybe then CSA might diminish in it’s numbers. I hope so.

So, always listen and believe a child or a victim of CSA; act whilst keeping that child or victim safe and trust that justice will be seen to be done.

Thank you for reading . Please comment if you feel you would like to.

Cassie xx

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