I wish I had been able to write this blog long ago, but I didn’t understand the impact of the happenings of the past few years. Up until today I couldn’t accept what I am about to tell you because I didn’t know what I am telling you here. I was too far down to even think about how everything had affected me. I said the words but didn’t realise the impact on me, my health or my family.
Today seems appropriate, as it was 3 years ago today that Jade Wood same into my life and life was never to be the same again.
I have lived the past years, in my pretend world. The world I inhabited, back when I was Cassie the little girl. The horror of 2012 had sent me back there and without my realizing it, I had stayed there unable to get back to Cassie the woman, the strong one.
After the police involvement and the court case, I thought I was okay. I began doing normal things as much as possible but couldn’t talk about everything that had happened. I realise now that I was able to do this because my barriers were back, my pain hidden and little Cassie was so good at pretending. A skill I hadn’t apparently lost. Those around me thought I was okay. I thought I was okay. But we were all wrong.
I didn’t talk to my family, I used social media as an outlet, on here, on Facebook trying to make sense of everything. I couldn’t talk to my family, I had lost my only close friend to cancer in December 2012 and my other confidante had always been my wonderful horse. She died the day before Jade Wood came into my life and trampled all over it. My relationships at home suffered. They had been badly affected by those 6 months, I had shut everyone out, trying to protect her and them.
I had or was becoming, someone my own family didn’t know, were not able to reach. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t see clients. How could I help them when I felt unable to help me. Like any one with a problem, I was the last one to see it. I have spent the past few months trying to work it out, trying to repair the damage done back in 2012.
I had been to my GP, many times as I have long-standing, physical issues but he knew something else was wrong. I had lost ‘my sparkle’. I hadn’t said anything about how I felt inside. How could I? I didn’t know how I felt. I suffered Diverticulitis twice, IBS, ulcerating colitis, a liver problem, skeletal pain and headaches. I also had a cancer scare but this proved okay.I was unable to sleep, had nightmares and flashbacks. All of this, had I been a client, coming to see me, are all recognizable as symptoms of Depression, stress and PTSD.
As far as the rest of the world knew, I was okay. I did exactly as I did as a child. Pretended.I was hurting, grieving and had to pretend to survive the world I was now apart of, a world I had been forced into to make my life bearable and stop others worrying about me.
A few weeks ago, it all came to a head and I decided it was time to let go; but I couldn’t, I didn’t know how. I had no one to talk to, I had pretended for so long and become so alienated from those who loved me; that I was, or rather felt, alone. My confidante , the one person I should have gone to, should have shared my fears, my pain with, I had shut out. She too had suffered during 2012, Jade Wood’s legacy, our relationship had suffered. Daniel couldn’t reach me, he says now he didn’t understand how his caring, ,loving, funny ‘girl’ had become this frightened, hurt and angry person he didn’t recognize.I had lost my best-friend, my older sister and the ability to share with Lucy.Melissa had taken herself out of my life because of my need for honesty and integrity. Another loss.
I stopped seeing the beauty around me, the ponies and dogs did not seem able to bring me out of this horrible loneliness.
I was hurting, suffering panic and as I said the nightmares were back. Some of the horrors Jade Wood sent me and some of my own abuse. The pain and fear became all-consuming. I tried hard to focus on a positive, my writing but it was so difficult. But I did eventually manage to finish NOBODY TOLD ME, I owed this to my many readers who were asking about it. They possibly couldn’t understand where it was because early in 2012, I had almost completed it, then nothing. So it was finished and published.
A great many things happened since the Jade Wood horror and normally we would have dealt with each one, as a family. We didn’t. With each sad loss, I became less able to share. I had shut everyone out unwittingly, in my pretence that all was well, I had isolated myself from them. My pain and grief was almost unbearable.
This year, the past few months particularly, I had begun to make many mistakes, started forgetting little things, then important things. My concentration was non-existent. Yesterday I read back over my blogs, my posts, all full of hurt, pain and anger.
As a child I was helpless. After telling my mother of the sexual abuse, not being believed or even listened to, I stopped telling anything. The pain, both physical and psychological was horrendous but I bottled it all up for many years. I became used to keeping things to myself, no one knew of the pain I felt. Hard work but I had to do this to counter the fears and nasties that had happened. Since 2012, I have repeated this .
Coming to Wales, I decided, in my relationship with Daniel, that I was safe enough to tell, to share. I worked very hard to break free from that past, to feel more comfortable in myself and become the person I always felt was inside of me. In 2009 I wrote my story, to hopefully help others. It was traumatic and painful, going back to my childhood horrors but with the support and love of those around me,I found the strength. I had begun it many times before but just couldn’t face the memories. I wrote most of the hardest parts, in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep, I don’t think I could have written it otherwise. But eventually it was finished and with the support and backing of my family, it was published. The rest of this part of my story, is history.
At this time I trained to become a Psychotherapist and set up my own practice. The new Cassie, had a happy secure family, a new career and was confident, funny, strong and full of passion to help others. She was happy.
2012 took that Cassie away.
As I said, a few weeks ago, I had to acknowledge that I was ill. That everything that had happened back from that awful year had taken its toll. I have kept this knowledge from my readers and most of my friends. Today I realised that I have to accept what many of my clients had to accept, that I was poorly. It wasn’t just being down, it was a complete transformation of the person I was. The hurt and fear I was suffering had manifested itself in anger and that can’t go on.
A bit like an alcoholic attending their first AA meeting, I had to confront this new fear..
This is my meeting.
My GP told me, my nurses told me but I wouldn’t accept it. It couldn’t happen to me. But it had. Because of everything, I was suffering Reactive Depression, going back to the events of 2012, which sent me back to the times of my childhood, to make me that frightened abused little girl. The feelings were exactly the same. Everything that has happened since, compounded this and prevented me from moving on.
The past week, I have been able to talk to Daniel and Lucy, I had to. Something that I am not willing to share, happened and I realised that I had to do something. The first step was accepting that I have been ill. Talking, sharing and crying has been the start. These relationships have taken a beating. They said they didn’t recognize the angry person I had become. They could no longer communicate with me. That is why I felt so alone.
I didn’t recognize the person they talked about, me.
I am so lucky , they have listened and we have cried together and I can now see a way forward. Not with medication, never with that, but with love, honesty, openness and time.
During this long painful day, they both were kind enough to say how brave I was to let them in. They tried to understand what it was like. They said it reminded them of years ago, when I first told them of the abuse. This time it was harder because although I am a grown mature woman, I was back to being that abused child.
So, I am writing this, not as an apology or although I am sorry for the posts and blogs written in anger. I do apologise to my readers but I feel I needed to explain. The only way I knew how to cope with the pain and fear was to use anger.
It won’t happen again. I will teach myself as I did back before I DID TELL , to share, to care and to cry.
I used to tell my clients, to share their fears and feelings with family. To gain their support, that is what I am doing here.
Thank you again for reading this very long blog. xxx