I am writing this today because I felt it the right time for me. As my readers will know,my younger life was a web of lies and caused me and others a great deal of damage. Honesty and Truth are always upmost in my life and I expect the same from those around me. Wrongly so sometimes.
In my family, particularly the woman they called my mother, honesty was something that was alien to her. Everything she told me, everything she taught me and everything she showed me had elements of dishonesty in them. My birthright was false and so this continued until I was around 17. Those of you who have read I DID TELL will know this. My poor Dad, William was in the centre of these lies, unwittingly and was powerless to do anything about things.
During my life I have lost a great deal because of this part of my character. Because I can’t tell lies and have a great problem in being told them, it has cost me dear. I once made a promise to Jack’s dad that I would do nothing that would influence Jack to be part of my life when I met him again. I fought my own desperate feelings in order to keep that promise. This resulted in Jack not believing I cared enough when we were reunited, when in truth, I cared more than anyone would ever know. Yes I met him as a grown man but the relationship has been stunted because of this promise. My honesty let me down and I lost out.
Last year I was asked to tell a lie, to sign something that wasn’t true, I couldn’t do this and again lost a member of my family.My honesty let me down again.For these things I paid a huge price and suffer these losses every day.
Both of my books are all true, I have left stuff out because I felt the readers had enough to understand my life but a great deal was not included, to save the book from being unbelievable. Sometimes the truth is unbelievable. But honest I was and this time I didn’t lose out.
Perhaps I have learned that sometimes you need to always tell the truth but also know when to say nothing. Late in learning this but perhaps I am there now.
I have always believed that the truth will out. I am sometimes very upset when I know that what I am being told is not the truth but I always give someone the benefit of the doubt, my doubt. This as you know lead me down a path of depravity and online abuse that I would not wish on anyone.
The truth did come out, in court and when the next book comes out it will be my honesty that people I hope admire. It will be hard but worth it to help others.
Sometimes the truth hurts and I am not very good at doing this. Daniel and Lucy often tell me to tell someone how it really is, to not hold back when someone hurts me, to tell the truth as I always do, even if it is painful for the recipient of this to hear. That is when I am not honest. I can’t hurt people or rather I couldn’t hurt anyone and would always put others feelings above my own and above my own needs.. Well I think it is time for me to change and as they say, wake up and smell the coffee.
That is what my next book will do. I won’t leave anything out and I mean anything. I was going to tone down some of the ‘disclosures’ so as not to be as explicit as might be necessary But now it will all go in, ‘warts n all.
I read an article today about how forgiving someone can and will be beneficial to you. The journalist said that hating and not forgiving those who have abused you will be detrimental to you. She spoke of forgiveness as healing and making things right. Not forgiving those who hurt you, will haunt you for the rest of your life. What did she think abuse does? How can anyone forgive someone who has harmed a child in any way, I know I can’t. I will never forgive Bill or my mother, I don’t let it haunt me, the abuse does that. I feel proud to have come this far after such a horrid beginning. I feel grateful for the life I have now and I feel privileged to be able to help other ‘victims’ become survivors. That doesn’t mean I forgive.I will never forget the pain and fear that the people who harmed me, inflicted on the child who was Cassie. How could I.
I do forgive tiny things done against me, I forgive those who know no better. I forgive lateness, rudeness, and even unkindness but nothing else. During my training I was told to encourage clients who had suffered abuse, to forgive their abusers. I couldn’t do that. I worked with helping them come to terms with their past. I worked with then accepting that it was all the abusers responsibility and not theirs. If they could bring themselves to forgive then that was wonderful but I didn’t and don’t make it a ‘must do’ in order for them to recover. Recovery is not all about forgiveness but sometimes acceptance.We become survivors in spite of the damage our abusers do. We don’t need to forgive to do that.
I may have once brought myself to forgive the perpetrator of the crime against me back in 2012 if I had believed her , believed she was sorry. But the terror, disgust, horror and fear inflicted on me and affecting those I love at that time, I think are beyond forgiveness.
Having bared my soul here today, maybe all of this makes me a bad person. I grew up in the Christian faith and Forgiveness was something we were expected to be able to do. So perhaps I have failed in that. I find it hard when people ask you to forgive them, saying sorry doesn’t mean it never happened, so how does forgiveness work?
For those of you who have been abused , hurt, betrayed, don’t get hung up on forgiveness. If you can or need to forgive then okay. But if people say you should be able to and you really can’t, don’t beat yourself up about it. What you do need to do is to take the power away from your abuser and live. Don’t let anyone who has stolen anything time from your life, steal anymore. Show them that they really don’t matter, that they are not important anymore because you have a good life and will succeed as a person, in spite of the harm they did you. You are a better person than anyone who hurt and abused you. Tell and show the world that. Then you will be a true survivor. If you can’t forgive, then take this power away and live your life to the full, in honesty.
Thank you for reading this. Have a good weekend all and thank you for your support. x