The what might have been and what is.

It is the 18th September 2014 and should have been a  very happy exciting time. Lucy’s date of confinement,was today, we should be excited about a new grandchild, a new member of our family a treasured baby at this time. But it wasn’t to be. Each day that passes I hope the feeling I have will get easier. It doesn’t. Lucy? Well she is far more philosophical about things than me. I still have my little box of ‘things’ bought in great happiness and expectation at the beginning of her pregnancy. I keep trying to throw them away but I just can’t.

The strange thing is I worked with mums and grand-mums going through a year like we just had. I help them free themselves from the pain of grief. Grief for the’ might have been’s’, the ‘what ifs’ and the’ should have beens’. They leave therapy healed and stronger than before. Why I can’t do this for myself I don’t know.

Lucy never wanted children. I always knew this but when she became pregnant, at first, although I was concerned about the suddenness of the relationship. the engagement and the forthcoming wedding, I was overjoyed. A new baby, a new life and a new good beginning to the rest of our lives.

Life had been horrible for the past two years. A sequence of events that brought pain and grief like no other.First we lost my beloved mare after 23 years.Then the Jade Wood horror and all that entailed, the loss of my peace and safety and the ability to enjoy the beauty around me in this beautiful part of the world. Losing my sister Ellen and my best friend Mo. Lucy’s illness and treatment and estrangement from other family members all brought untold grief and pain. All nasty horrid stuff. Then Lucy my youngest daughter was pregnant! This was a good among all the bad. Now life would be oh so much better.

What a burden I was putting on this pregnancy and on this child. But I knew how loved he or she would be. How welcome into our little family and yes, how spoilt this babe would be by us as doting grandparents. ……Then nothing. All gone.

Lucy’s pain was bad but she also, in a strange way, thought that as the relationship had broken down, perhaps this was meant to be. As I said, much more philosophical than her mum. All I felt was loss. Great loss of the dreams I had for the future. The plans I had. I stopped working as much as I had been working,to allow plenty of time for childcare and loving this much wanted baby. The loss was deep in the pit of my stomach. I wasn’t prepared for this. I never for one minute thought of this happening. I stupidly thought everything would be okay now. A new life. A new beginning. A chance to this time get it right.

How selfish was that! I loved this baby before he or she was anything more than a hope in our eyes. I sat with Lucy when that hope was dashed forever and felt like my heart was broken.

Dramatic? Over exaggerated feelings? Probably but that is how I felt and feel and as those who read this blog regularly know, the truth is what I write.

I wrote a poem a little while after this devastating time and will, when I am up to it, publish here , but not today. The pain is no less, the grief is no less and the sense of loss is no less.

Lucy has ‘moved on’ whatever that means. She is happy with a new man, someone she knew before and now lives in her little cottage and comes round everyday. She says she is fine, that it wasn’t meant to be. She also says she won’t try for a baby ever again because she was so poorly. Whilst I respect her choice, this in itself seems like another loss. It shouldn’t, because babies were never in her scheme of things. I had never thought of being a grandma to her children. When I never thought she would have children, it was so much easier but having been with her when she discovered her pregnancy, been with her to antenatal visits, when I have the ultra scan in  my memory box, it isn’t easy now.

Yes, I know I should ‘move on’, should bury, burn or dispose of all the things I have in this box and concentrate on the future. There will be happy days again, just not the happy I was hoping for. But I will get there, I always do.

So today is a hard day and I hope you can all bear with me. I have moaned and shared my grief on this blog before and now am doing it again. I won’t say sorry but thank you for taking the time to read it. The past years have taken their toll on me. I don’t bounce back like I used to. May 2012 saw to that! After Jade Wood was taken to court, I really believed she would be punished and that would be the end of that. How wrong was I! She learned nothing and all the stress and worry of the 6 previous months and the past year or so have left their mark on me. I really hope she thinks, in the end, that it was all worth it. I have asked her to stop and think maybe now she has. But I won’t relax yet.

So that’s the what might have been.

The what is!

Well, I have been doing some thing called restorative health for the past few months. This past few weeks one of my health conditions has deteriorated and I have to stop these exercises. Gutted! I was actually enjoying them but now it is my time to be philosophical. If they are damaging my health I have to stop. No question.

I have to have a small operation on the 1st October and may be out of action, at least mobility wise for a few days maybe weeks. Not sure yet. I will use this time to continue to write my third book THE FACE BEHIND THE SCREEN.

The positives.

NOBODY TOLD ME is almost ready, hopefully next weekend around 29th September! I did manage to put the Introduction to the next book in the back so readers have a taste of what is to come. Like my other two books, it will make difficult reading in places because I will copy the emails from the perpetrator, just as she wrote them. Depravity and explicitness in the entire. This is the only way for readers to understand the evilness and fear that she gave to me.

One of the strategies I use for clients, is to get them to write everything down. That is what I have done today. Will it work for me? Who knows. The grief is huge, so much for so many different reasons. The past is a fragile story and sometimes when we least expect it, it comes back to bite us in the bum. Association is a huge force and one grief can delve into our memory and drag out any unresolved grief we have. This can result in many losses needing attention at the same time. That’s where I am today.

One day, I will fill my boxes and take them to my favourite chosen place, release the balloons and bury my grief. Only when I am ready and only this will help.

I am  also grieving for life as it was pre 2012 when everything changed and the sun went out ‘here on the farm’. Loss of the safety and beauty I felt for this place we call home. Before the email that began my descent into fear and sadness that I don’t seem able to shake off. I need to find a way through this and soon. Perhaps when I see justice done, it will free me enough for me to deal with everything else I am grieving for. Let’s hope. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I am sorry if you find it depressing. Hopefully the next one will be more positive and uplifting but as I said when I began this blog. Tell it as it is Cassie! And I did. xxx

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2 thoughts on “The what might have been and what is.

  1. Cassie all what you have written is lovely and I do feel your pain. keep your memory box of the baby when you are ready you will move on from this but you will never forget and nor should you its apart of the past.. its easier to give advice to strangers then it is to give it to yourself. I am a great thinker of shoulda coulda wouldas and it doesn’t help in any way. its taken me a whole year of talking to Helen to realise this. you are such a strong person to have gone through what you have and still be a kind loving person. you have so many people supporting you. and we are all here for you no matter what time. sending loads of love and hugs xx

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  2. Thank you Kirsty. I know I will ultimately deal with everything , I think it is that since the Jade Wood horror, I seem to be unable to deal with stuff that I have always been able to deal with. I was at a very low ebb when she first contacted me and ever since that time, life seems to have been very hard. Her contact brought back so much of my stuff, including the abuse and my losing my baby boy. I think if none of that had happened and I had been in a better place when Lucy lost her baby, I would have dealt with it by now. You are right in one way, I am a strong person, how else would I have survived and how else would I still be trying to protect the world from people like her. But sometimes, even the strong have weak days. Today is one of those. Thank you for your thoughts and your lovely words. xxx

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