You think you’re okay, you think your demons are now all dead and gone. You think that all the pain, fear and hurt is in the past. Locked up safely in a huge box and the key has been thrown away. Life seems good again but slowly the nagging feeling creeps back into the pit of your stomach. You try and ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. Life goes on and so does the feeling, until one day it becomes an ache that never goes away.
It might only have been a tiny thing, that triggered the child within, to feel the fear you felt as a little girl, it might have been a something you thought you had dealt with. Whatever it was, the fear and pain comes back in waves. Keeps you awake at night, makes you afraid of every shadow. The flashbacks are there big time, the nightmares haunt what little sleep you are able to get. Still you pretend you are okay.
Then one day it comes at you like a slap in the face and all the terror and fear of childhood is back in the for front of your mind.
That’s what memory triggers do. They come when your very soul has been reminded of the evil in your past.
In my case, it is now a name. I would never have thought it possible that all the work I had done on myself could have been almost undone in one short message. But it was and now I can’t seem to rid myself of the memories that I had laid to rest. The ghosts I had buried.
Time has moved on and I try every day to move forward with it. Other things take over my mind, other worries, other sadnesses, other grief. But it is still the past that keeps rearing it’s ugly head and getting in the way of any healing process that I try and work through. I thought I could do this on my own but now I am not so sure.
If someone had come to me, in my Professional role, with the images and the pain that I now feel daily, I would have been able to help them. All my training and experience would enable me to process the happenings of the past few years. They would then feel better, feel more complete and able to put the past to bed.
Physician heal thyself doesn’t work. Perhaps its now time I asked for help.