With everything that has happened in the past two years, We have had a longtime to reflect on family ‘stuff’ recently. Now is the time, or getting close, to being able to say goodbye to many people and many things we have lost.
I am so glad that Lucy has recovered and has now found a beautiful little cottage and on Monday will know whether it is hers. This has brought about a lot of deep discussions around my state of health and my emotional wellbeing. I hope she gets this pretty little house and that this will be a happier time in her life. It is only 10minutes away, her choice and that is comforting.
In the past few days we have talked a lot and I realise just how much work I need to do to help me recover. Only then will I feel able to return to doing the job I love and was good at.
As most of you will know, back in May 2012, I lost my beloved horse Star. I had known her since she was born and lucky enough to have her live me for 22 years. So her loss was felt deeply. I said this on social media, told of my heartbreak and grief. That was,the police think, why I was ‘targeted. This horrible ‘hoaxer’, saw me as vulnerable. The day after I lost her was the first email from Jade Wood, the email that began the next horrific 6 months. I believed this young woman needed me and so I put my feelings for Star to one side. If I enabled myself to feel the grief, I wouldn’t have been able to ‘be there’ for her. For the next 6 months, I was concentrating 24/7 on being there for this young woman. Being there for her, took me away from my family, I didn’t accept Star’s death and I wasn’t helping my daughter and husband grieve for her, it was their loss as well. I also neglected my best friend who at that time, had cancer. I only saw her once in those 6 months because I couldn’t be away from the Internet or phone for long, in case this young woman needed me. Sadly my friend died, just after I went to the police. I was so ill by now, so down and anxious that again, I put the grief I felt for my friend, to one side, unable by this time to allow myself to feel.
Last year Lucy was very ill and at one time, at risk, so the grief again was not even looked at. I was not able to deal with any of the stuff that the 6 months of evil and nasty ‘disclosures’ had left me with.I was still very damaged by the those months and trying to come to terms with everything 2012 threw at me. Lucy then moved in with her partner and we planned a wedding. A really happy time after so much sadness.She became pregnant but sadly lost the baby. A huge loss. This was another grief I couldn’t work on. This year, still in my ‘stuck’ place, I lost Ellen, my eldest sister. Another thing I haven’t cried for or grieved for.Since the ‘Hoax’ I have lost the ability to face bad things and boxed everything up. I haven’t been able to feel anymore, perhaps that was my mind saying that if I didn’t feel, or care, I couldn’t get hurt. I don’t know.
Strange really because I work with clients with stress, depression, anxiety and bereavement, I wouldn’t accept that I was feeling any of this. The 2012 nasty, has changed me, sometimes into someone my family doesn’t recognize. Into someone I don’t recognize.I have become less confident in myself, less trusting and find even little things sometimes difficult. I am not the strong person I used to be. I need to find her again and start grieving. Only then can I move on, whatever that might mean.
My recent health scare has shown me that I need to close the door on all of this sadness and grief. The only way to do that is to say goodbye. So many goodbyes.
We have since lost two more ponies and 2 cats so added sadness that needs addressing. One of the ‘disclosures’ from this horrible time during the lies, brought back something in my life I hadn’t faced full on. The birth of my tiny son who sadly was stillborn. A ‘disclosure’ by this wicked young woman,told of something almost identical happening to her, almost straight out of my book. Another goodbye I need to make. This was one thing I had put aside at the time, unable to deal with it.I know more than anyone that boxing these things up, no matter how tightly, one day they will come back and slap you in the face. That isn’t the time to deal with them. They need dealing with when they happen, letting go and accepting.
The reason for today’s blog is this. When we feel a loss, we need to stop, look at it, feel it completely, find a way that suits us to say goodbye, when we are ready and let it go. Don’t let anything detract from this until we have recovered. Only then will acceptance come. No time limit, grief will take as long as it takes.
The heavy losses are many for me at this time.
The loss of a grandchild I never met.
The loss of my best friend whom I neglected for someone who wasn’t worthy of my time.
The loss of my sister Ellen.
The loss of my wonderful confidante and friend, Evening Star. Of Nola our pony and Lucy’s pony and our little cats.
The loss of my baby son years on.
I also need to grieve for my loss of trust in people, something taken from me in the cruelest, wickedest way.
I am going to hold on to my anger re the hoax, I have to, until things are ended. Anger is justified and necessary to help me do the things I have to do.
All the time I fight what happened, Anger is a useful tool. I have to have this damage repaired in the only way I can. Keeping others safe.
I have decided, that very soon, I am going to fill a little box with everything I bought for the baby, the scan photos, the books, everything. I will place them in the box along with a poem I have written and everything I need to say. Lucy will do this as well, I think. We will bury this in my top garden that is always full of flowers and place a stone fairy to remember. I will also do similar for my baby and for my friend. I have already placed a plant in the garden for Ellen, one that she and her husband gave me years ago that I couldn’t move when I moved house. I have planted roses for my lost animals and they are in full bloom and looking beautiful. Somewhere I can sit. It is somewhere where we can to go if needed.
Also I am going to buy some helium filled balloons and when I feel ready, we as a family with go to where Star and her ponies are resting and release them into the sky, something I have used for years for bereaved patients.
After this I hope the sadness will leave me and moving on will be easier.
As I said, 2012 was the worst year of my adult life, took me back to places in my childhood I never wanted to revisit. Making me remember and feel the fear I had in childhood. Fear for someone whose lies I believed and fears for my safety and that of my family. Making me as scared as I was, at one point, when I was 7 years old. I have dealt with the abuse I suffered, dealt with it when I wrote my story and was okay and healed. But the horrors of those 6 months, for the first time in years, triggered nightmares and day mares that had long since past. No one has the right to subject anyone to that.Staying angry until I have seen this through, will allow me to let go of that also.
So very soon, my goodbyes will happen and hopefully, then and only then, can I look forward to life the way I used to. Be back as part of my family and become the strong person my husband, family and friends have missed.
Can’t wait to meet her again.
Have a great weekend all, and thank you for your support and love.xx