This week has been very hard here on the farm. My eldest sister Ellen sadly died last Tuesday morning after a fight with Cancer that she lost. I had the phone-call at 7.30 am and she had died in her sleep at 7.20. Although we knew she wouldn’t get better, I suppose we or at least I always hoped. Once more that thing called ‘hope’ let me down. This past week the nasty virus I have had for 8 weeks now really got hold of me and I have been very unwell. GP says stress and anguish has knocked out my immune system.
Things have been hard for the past 2 years as my readers know and it has taken it’s toll on my health. A catalogue of horrible things and illness has also made me rethink things. I have tried to put the past to rest, almost done and ‘wallop’ something else happens to bring me down.
Today I have been writing verses for family cards, ordering flowers and making arrangement to go back to my home town for the funeral. Not nice tasks but have to be done.
My memories of Ellen are mostly good. When we were all small and Mum would go out, Ellen would babysit us. Read us stories whilst we all of us, Tom, Rosie Ellen and me all got into bed, top and tail and she would read. One of the ‘happy’ times in my not good childhood. Then there was her wedding. I was chief bridesmaid and it was a lovely happy day. She looked beautiful. She was pregnant with her second baby when I was pregnant with Jack but I couldn’t tell her, the reason being Mum. he never knew about my son until later in life when I told her and she comforted me. We had acknowledged my child hood, just before I DID TELL came out and she supported me but never said much about things. She was a lady of few words when things became serious.
She spent the first few years of married life, living in a mobile home and loved every minute then when her mum in law died, they moved into her house in the country. She has lived there eve since. Her husband died 2 years ago and she and her boys stayed in the family home.
I spoke with her regularly and she knew about my losing the animals and especially my mare in 2012. She also went through that awful time with me with Jade Wood, I hadn’t said what was wrong at first but she knew that something was. She could hear it in my voice and I didn’t phone her as often from my home phone, in case Jade Wood needed me. Another loss this evil young woman caused me. I told her recently when she asked me if I would fight on, I said I would. She was in full support of my writing, I DID TELL, NOBODY TOLD ME and THE FACE BEHIND THE SCREEN. I will dedicate one to her.
So here on the farm, it is raining inside and out in one way or another. Tuesday next will be hard, seeing my youngest sister Anne is going to be tough as she hasn’t spoken to me in many years. I have written and asked her if we can put the past to bed, I will have to wait and see. Sometimes, telling the truth, you lose out, you lose people but the truth is very important to me and I did what I had to do. I told.
So, just remember everyone, always tell those you love, that you love them. You never know when they won’t be around for you to tell them.Appreciate those close who support you and always say goodbye with thanks and love.